My Innermost Turmoil

Okay, so here goes. I have been reading through Bring the Rain blog. My friend Shannon sent me to it earlier because October 15th was the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. I have just now made it through reading her blog about her story of losing her baby. It is has been very difficult for me to make it through reading, and even more difficult for me to sit here and type this blog. I don't feel that I have even started the healing process from losing my baby, but in reading the blog she encourages sharing, so I will start here, with some of the greatest Christian women I know and share my story, as well as the deepest thoughts that I have that I have never put into words. I guess typing into this blog is a little easier than saying the words out loud. All I ask is for all of your prayers. I know that it has been over a year, but I am still a complete mess inside my heart and soul.

My story begins in May of 2007. I found out I was pregnant, and of course, we were so excited. About two weeks later, on Mother's Day, I started bleeding, and miscarried. I was only about 6 weeks along. It was still hard, but I had barely become used to the fact that I was even pregnant. So we just picked up and went on, believing it was part of God's plan. The next month, I was pregnant again. Things were going okay, my Doctor took a very proactive approach and we were doing weekly blood work and more than normal ultrasounds. I had light spotting on and off through the whole time, each time having an ultrasound revealing that everything was okay. On September 11th, nearly 18 weeks into the pregnancy I called my Doctor. I had been having very light spotting for the past three days and decided it was time to go get it checked, atleast for my own peice of mind. She called and got me in for an ultrasound that afternoon, with one of the greatest, most God loving Doctors in Lubbock, Dr. Atkinson (who I had seen when I was pregnant with Rayden). Chance and I went in for the ultrasound, not ever thinking anything could really be wrong. I remember sitting in the waiting room, laughing, joking, and sharing a butterfinger. We were finallly called back. The ultrasound started. Nothing was said to us. I wasn't really paying attention as me and Chance were taking bets on if they would be able to tell us if it was a boy or a girl. They stopped the ultrasound and one of the technicians walked out of the room. Nothing was said. In a another minute the other technician told us she would be right back and she left the room. Still, we had no idea at this point, I don't know what we thought, but we still weren't aware that there was a problem. A few minutes later, the nurse practitioner walked back into the room, with four other nurses/technicians. I little worry sat in. No one said anything to us still. They started the ultrasound again. The look on look on the lady's face told me something was wrong. I looked up at her and said "everything IS okay with my baby isn't it". She sat her wand down and said "there is no easy way to say this, so I am just going to say it, there is no heartbeat". I about fell off the table in hysterics. Chance immedietely stood up and left the room. The rest is kind of a blur. The next two or so hours were spent at that office, us calling people, me trying to get my mom here, and the Doctors trying to decided what the next step would be for us. They decided to send us home, and meet with my Doctor (Dr. Sahinler, who at this point I will tell you is the greatest Dr. I have ever come into contact with, she is the most caring, sympathetic, loving woman). We went home and began trying to comprehend what had just taken place. I couldn't help but beg and pray that there was something wrong with their machine, not my baby, the baby that I had just felt days before fluttering around in my tummy. The baby I had seen three times before on ultrasounds, the baby with the beating heart that was alive in me not that long ago. I don't remember much, I was just so glad to see Rayden, to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. I prayed alot. I knew it was part of God's plan, I knew that I didn't understand it, but I knew He was still in control.

The next morning we went to my Doctor's office, and from there to the hospital. There they began the process of delivering the baby, much as you would for a regular delivery. They gave me medication that would start me in the process of miscarrying the baby, as well as on potossin to start the delivery process. We tried to keep the spirit light, trying to not focus on what was soon to come. That night, September 12, 2007, we delivered Daxton Lee Potter. He weighed 3.4 ounces and was 6 inches long. When he was born, they took him out of the room, cleaned him up, and put clothes on him. I was not sure if I would be able to handle seeing my baby, so they came and got Chance and took him into the other room to see his son. Dr. Sahinler arrived and came to talk to me. She encouraged me to spend a little time with Dax, so I agreed and she went and got him and brought him to me. We spent a few minutes with the beautiful little guy (he was so small, but was already so develeped, you could already see he was going to look just like Rayden, he had all his tiny toes and fingers, and was a precious little baby). After about an hour Chance decided he was going to come home for a little while to get some stuff. I knew he just needed a break and some time alone to process it all. I will say he was my rock, my shield, and the thing that kept me afloat during all of this. I knew he needed some time to have his breakdowns, as he was so strong in front of me. I am SOOO blessed to have Chance in my life and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for him. (I love you so much Chance). We were given the choice of what we wanted to do with Dax, either we could bury him on our own, or the hospital would bury him in Littlefield with all the other babies. I could not fathom the thought of not having a place to go to remember Dax, so we decided to bury him in Levelland. My mom, Chance's mom, and Chance took care of all that. Chance made sure that nothing was to be said to me or asked of me about any of this, he knew it would be more than I could handle, and he was right. We decided my mom would take Rayden home with her, as we knew he wasn't old enough to process what was going on and we didn't feel he needed to see us that broken down.

Three months passed of blood work and meeting with a Genetics Doctor. We were finally cleared as they found nothing to indicated that we would not be able to have more healthy children.

In Decemeber of 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. Yes, this began the most stressful, scary time of my life. I spent the next seven months doing blood work, weekly doctor visits, monthly, then bi weekly ultrasounds. I had more Doctor appointments during my pregnancy with Casen then most people have in thier entire lifetime! I am so grateful to have such great Doctors. Dr. Sahinler and Dr. Atkinson worked with me through the whole pregnancy and I cannot even begin to tell you how much difference it made to have Christian Doctors helping me through. A month early, on July 23, 2008 I delieved a beautiful healthy little boy, Casen Aaron. I have never been so relieved as I was when I held him in my arms. I knew God was good and that he had a plan for us.

Okay, so reading this, you would think that my faith is where it should be, but it's not. I am so far off track of where I need to be spiritually that it scares me. I can tell myself a thousand times a day that it was God's plan, that He is in control, that it is not for me to understand but it is for me to believe. I do not think that I have had one "REAL" conversation with God in over a year now. Sure, I say a little prayer here and there, prayers for others, I thank him for the blessings in my life, the wonderful husband and the two healthy children he has given me, but as far as a deep conversation with God, I just can't seem to get there. I am sure I am still angry, somedays I still "blame" him, somedays I yell and ask how a loving God could do that... he gave me this baby and took him from me before I even got to meet him...how is that fair.......what did I do to deserve this????? I am not sure how to get back on the path of walking with God, but I keep hoping in time I will get back there. Maybe if I start dealing with all of this somewhere other than in my own head, it will be a start.

So here I sit, with Casen asleep right next to me and I know that God is good. He gave me Rayden and he gave me Casen. I look at Casen and I feel so much love for him, although on the other hand, there is the guilt, when I look at him I know that I had to loose Dax to have him, cause had there been Dax here with us, there wouldn't have been Casen. That is hard for me to deal with on some days.

I will end by telling all of you thanks. Thanks for the prayers (PLEASE keep them coming), thanks for all of the love you have shown to me and my family. I am thankful to have all of you to listen to me. I know that I still have a long road ahead of me. I know the pain will never really go away, that the hole in my heart will never be filled, but I do know that one day I will hold that sweet baby in Heaven.

Thank you for listening. I am sorry to be so depressing, but please continue to pray for me and for me to get back on track with my walk with God.