Monday, December 1, 2008

Where have I been????

I know it has been forever..... I really thought I was going to be a good blogger when I started this, but it is more time consuming than I thought......I will try to do better, I promise!!! Things have been fast and furious for us. Thanksgiving was great, we spent it with my family in Brownfield and then spent a nice long weekend home, enjoying some family time. Casen is a little over four months old now and is growing like a weed! After Rayden was such a tiny thing, it is funny to see how big Casen is. We tell Rayden that he better start eating cause Casen is going to outgrow him before too long! Casen is eating food now, and loving it! There isn't anything he has tried that he didn't like. Rayden is staying busy with school and tumbling, and Chance and I are just trying to survive the terrible 3's. Rayden is so excited about Christmas this year, making it even more enjoyable. He can recognize his name, so he knows which presents under the tree are his. We have told him that he has to wait, that they are for Christmas, so every morning he wakes up and tells me (not asks me), "It's Christmas Time"!!! Here are some updated pictures of the boys....

Casen's first taste of carrots
Rayden & Casen

Casen chewing on his hands and trying to figure out how to get moving

Rayden is such a good big brother, he might give me and Chance a hard time, but he LOVES his baby!!!!

Casen has really grown into the swing.... we can turn it up to a 3 and it will still hardly move!!!!

He loves to stand, he is ready to take off... just maybe if his head wasn't so heavy he could make some progress!!! ha ha!!! He is already so tall........

This just cracks me up, we are working on time out with Rayden, in the entry way, because putting him in his bedroom just isn't working, he won't stay, he plays, he throws stuff..... (you know how that goes) so we have started making him put his nose in the corner where we can see him, but where he is removed from us. Here, I had to put Chance & Rayden in the corner! Rayden thinks that it is hilarious to get his dad in trouble and then both of them stand in the corner. I couldn't help but take a picture. And poor Chance...... well, atleast he is a good sport about it!!!!

On another note......

A few weekends ago I went on a Walk to Emmaus. It was such a great weekend and I am soooo glad that I went. I was really dreading going and was looking for a good excuse to get out of going (one that Holly would actually believe...) but I was glad that God put me there. I met some amazing women, some that were without doubt "God Sent" to touch me and my heart. I left the weekend with a sense of peace that I had been searching for for a long time. I want to thank all of you girls that put so much hard work into the weekend and getting the group of us hard headed girls there.... Dawn, Holly, Amanda, & Steph~Thanks!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Not Because I Shouldn't Be Doing Other Things!!!

Things have been so busy lately. Me and the boys went to Ruidoso last weekend and up to Las Cruces to see my brother and his family. We got to be there for my nephew's 4th birthday party and my niece's 1st birthday party. It was a lot of fun and it was good to see everyone. It is such a long trip to see them so I am always so grateful when we get the opportunity to hang out with them. Chance stayed home over the weekend. My mom got him tickets to the Tech v UT game, so he was so excited to go, too bad it didn't turn out in his favor (Chance is a huge UT fan, so be sure and mention the game to him whenever to see him!!!!) It was such a great game, and I now have bragging rights in our house for a whole year and I will take advantage of it because it isn't very often I get the chance!
Rayden and Casen are just growing like crazy. Rayden is going through his terrible threes. Whoever said the two's are terrible must not have survived to the three's. I don't know what is wrong with that boy, but I am not sure that I am going to survive this!!!! He is so defiant, that matched with his strong headedness and his huge sense of independance isn't making life on us very easy. THIS TOO SHALL PASS...........right?????
Casen is now 15 weeks old and weighs atleast 14 lbs, if not more. When he went in for his three month, he was 12 lb 10 oz, so I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't close to fifteen pounds by now. I have started feeding him rice. I have added rice to his bottles since he was 2 months old, so I figured I would try feeding him some, cause the boy is hungry!!! He loves it and eats every bite and then cries when it is all gone! He is such a sweet baby. He is almost always happy, smiling, and talking away. I just couldn't ask for a better baby!!! I did finally get him to his crib and he is doing fine. When we were at my mom's over the weekend, she has a crib set up in my room, so I just went for it. The first two nights he hardly slept at all, but I would just pat him back to sleep. By the third night he slept nearly all night and has been doing very well in his crib here at home.
Here are some pictures from the past few weeks!
My two little pirates!!

Casen didn't like his costume too much!!

What a pirate face!!

A Halloween cake I made, it looked a lot better before the pumpkins
started sliding off the side! Me and my sister in law, Melissa took a cake decorating class at SPC this past semester and had a blast!! So, if you need a cake.....

This used to be mine and Chance's bed....... somehow by morning
it has always been taken over!

Sweet Casen, holding on to his teddy bear that he loves SOOOO much!!

He is getting so big, and he LOVES his bumbo chair!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Fall Pictures

It has been a busy time of year for us. Chance has been working long hours at work, so I have felt like I have been on my own the past few weeks! I am looking forward to the holidays so we can have some much needed family time!!! Here are few pictures from the past month. I have ton more I need to put on here, the boys in their Halloween costumes, and new pics of Casen, but I will have to work on that maybe later today or tomarrow!!!

Rayden's PDO took a field trip to the corn maze. The kids had a lot of fun and I got some really good pics!
Rayden picking out a pumpkin!

We went to a pumpkin patch in Brownfield, this is my little sister, Morgan, and Rayden looking for a good pumpkin (or ten...)

Rayden and Casen!

Rayden was such a good sport posing for all these pics. He really wanted to pull the wagon around, not sit in it!

Casen, Morgan, and Rayden

My sweet, adorable lil pumpkin!

A family pic!

Our sweet little family!!!! I am sooooo blessed!!!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Innermost Turmoil

Okay, so here goes. I have been reading through Bring the Rain blog. My friend Shannon sent me to it earlier because October 15th was the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. I have just now made it through reading her blog about her story of losing her baby. It is has been very difficult for me to make it through reading, and even more difficult for me to sit here and type this blog. I don't feel that I have even started the healing process from losing my baby, but in reading the blog she encourages sharing, so I will start here, with some of the greatest Christian women I know and share my story, as well as the deepest thoughts that I have that I have never put into words. I guess typing into this blog is a little easier than saying the words out loud. All I ask is for all of your prayers. I know that it has been over a year, but I am still a complete mess inside my heart and soul.

My story begins in May of 2007. I found out I was pregnant, and of course, we were so excited. About two weeks later, on Mother's Day, I started bleeding, and miscarried. I was only about 6 weeks along. It was still hard, but I had barely become used to the fact that I was even pregnant. So we just picked up and went on, believing it was part of God's plan. The next month, I was pregnant again. Things were going okay, my Doctor took a very proactive approach and we were doing weekly blood work and more than normal ultrasounds. I had light spotting on and off through the whole time, each time having an ultrasound revealing that everything was okay. On September 11th, nearly 18 weeks into the pregnancy I called my Doctor. I had been having very light spotting for the past three days and decided it was time to go get it checked, atleast for my own peice of mind. She called and got me in for an ultrasound that afternoon, with one of the greatest, most God loving Doctors in Lubbock, Dr. Atkinson (who I had seen when I was pregnant with Rayden). Chance and I went in for the ultrasound, not ever thinking anything could really be wrong. I remember sitting in the waiting room, laughing, joking, and sharing a butterfinger. We were finallly called back. The ultrasound started. Nothing was said to us. I wasn't really paying attention as me and Chance were taking bets on if they would be able to tell us if it was a boy or a girl. They stopped the ultrasound and one of the technicians walked out of the room. Nothing was said. In a another minute the other technician told us she would be right back and she left the room. Still, we had no idea at this point, I don't know what we thought, but we still weren't aware that there was a problem. A few minutes later, the nurse practitioner walked back into the room, with four other nurses/technicians. I little worry sat in. No one said anything to us still. They started the ultrasound again. The look on look on the lady's face told me something was wrong. I looked up at her and said "everything IS okay with my baby isn't it". She sat her wand down and said "there is no easy way to say this, so I am just going to say it, there is no heartbeat". I about fell off the table in hysterics. Chance immedietely stood up and left the room. The rest is kind of a blur. The next two or so hours were spent at that office, us calling people, me trying to get my mom here, and the Doctors trying to decided what the next step would be for us. They decided to send us home, and meet with my Doctor (Dr. Sahinler, who at this point I will tell you is the greatest Dr. I have ever come into contact with, she is the most caring, sympathetic, loving woman). We went home and began trying to comprehend what had just taken place. I couldn't help but beg and pray that there was something wrong with their machine, not my baby, the baby that I had just felt days before fluttering around in my tummy. The baby I had seen three times before on ultrasounds, the baby with the beating heart that was alive in me not that long ago. I don't remember much, I was just so glad to see Rayden, to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. I prayed alot. I knew it was part of God's plan, I knew that I didn't understand it, but I knew He was still in control.

The next morning we went to my Doctor's office, and from there to the hospital. There they began the process of delivering the baby, much as you would for a regular delivery. They gave me medication that would start me in the process of miscarrying the baby, as well as on potossin to start the delivery process. We tried to keep the spirit light, trying to not focus on what was soon to come. That night, September 12, 2007, we delivered Daxton Lee Potter. He weighed 3.4 ounces and was 6 inches long. When he was born, they took him out of the room, cleaned him up, and put clothes on him. I was not sure if I would be able to handle seeing my baby, so they came and got Chance and took him into the other room to see his son. Dr. Sahinler arrived and came to talk to me. She encouraged me to spend a little time with Dax, so I agreed and she went and got him and brought him to me. We spent a few minutes with the beautiful little guy (he was so small, but was already so develeped, you could already see he was going to look just like Rayden, he had all his tiny toes and fingers, and was a precious little baby). After about an hour Chance decided he was going to come home for a little while to get some stuff. I knew he just needed a break and some time alone to process it all. I will say he was my rock, my shield, and the thing that kept me afloat during all of this. I knew he needed some time to have his breakdowns, as he was so strong in front of me. I am SOOO blessed to have Chance in my life and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for him. (I love you so much Chance). We were given the choice of what we wanted to do with Dax, either we could bury him on our own, or the hospital would bury him in Littlefield with all the other babies. I could not fathom the thought of not having a place to go to remember Dax, so we decided to bury him in Levelland. My mom, Chance's mom, and Chance took care of all that. Chance made sure that nothing was to be said to me or asked of me about any of this, he knew it would be more than I could handle, and he was right. We decided my mom would take Rayden home with her, as we knew he wasn't old enough to process what was going on and we didn't feel he needed to see us that broken down.

Three months passed of blood work and meeting with a Genetics Doctor. We were finally cleared as they found nothing to indicated that we would not be able to have more healthy children.

In Decemeber of 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. Yes, this began the most stressful, scary time of my life. I spent the next seven months doing blood work, weekly doctor visits, monthly, then bi weekly ultrasounds. I had more Doctor appointments during my pregnancy with Casen then most people have in thier entire lifetime! I am so grateful to have such great Doctors. Dr. Sahinler and Dr. Atkinson worked with me through the whole pregnancy and I cannot even begin to tell you how much difference it made to have Christian Doctors helping me through. A month early, on July 23, 2008 I delieved a beautiful healthy little boy, Casen Aaron. I have never been so relieved as I was when I held him in my arms. I knew God was good and that he had a plan for us.

Okay, so reading this, you would think that my faith is where it should be, but it's not. I am so far off track of where I need to be spiritually that it scares me. I can tell myself a thousand times a day that it was God's plan, that He is in control, that it is not for me to understand but it is for me to believe. I do not think that I have had one "REAL" conversation with God in over a year now. Sure, I say a little prayer here and there, prayers for others, I thank him for the blessings in my life, the wonderful husband and the two healthy children he has given me, but as far as a deep conversation with God, I just can't seem to get there. I am sure I am still angry, somedays I still "blame" him, somedays I yell and ask how a loving God could do that... he gave me this baby and took him from me before I even got to meet is that fair.......what did I do to deserve this????? I am not sure how to get back on the path of walking with God, but I keep hoping in time I will get back there. Maybe if I start dealing with all of this somewhere other than in my own head, it will be a start.

So here I sit, with Casen asleep right next to me and I know that God is good. He gave me Rayden and he gave me Casen. I look at Casen and I feel so much love for him, although on the other hand, there is the guilt, when I look at him I know that I had to loose Dax to have him, cause had there been Dax here with us, there wouldn't have been Casen. That is hard for me to deal with on some days.

I will end by telling all of you thanks. Thanks for the prayers (PLEASE keep them coming), thanks for all of the love you have shown to me and my family. I am thankful to have all of you to listen to me. I know that I still have a long road ahead of me. I know the pain will never really go away, that the hole in my heart will never be filled, but I do know that one day I will hold that sweet baby in Heaven.

Thank you for listening. I am sorry to be so depressing, but please continue to pray for me and for me to get back on track with my walk with God.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Sleeping Baby

I know you all must think I have dropped off the bandwagon already.......I have just been really busy. I have had great intentions of getting on here but just haven't had a chance. I have a ton of pics to upload on here but that will have to wait until I have a little more time.

My question for all of you guys is how do I get Casen to sleep in his crib? He has started sleeping all night and has been going to sleep on his own in his bassinet. I have been trying to let him take naps in his crip to get used to it, but that doesn't work, five minutes and he is stirring and wide awake in there. I decided last night would be the first night in his crib. It took me forever to get him to sleep patting him, but he was finally out, but only for about two hours, then wide awake and not a chance of him going back to sleep in the crib. However, I laid him in his bassinet and instantly.....ASLEEP! I don't remember having this problem with Rayden, so any suggestions on how to help the little guy make the transition would be great!!

Hope everyone is doing great!!! I look forward to hearing from you and I will update and add pictures very soon!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Football & Fair

We had quite a busy weekend. Friday night was Levelland's Homecoming, so we took the boys to the game. Levelland happened to play Brownfield, so we got to see my little sister march in Brownfield's band. Rayden was so excited to go to the game, although, he is scared to death of Lucky Lobo, and didn't watch any of the game because he had to know where that Lobo was at all times!!!

On Saturday, we took Rayden to the Fair! For those that know me, you know that I LOVE THE FAIR!!!! And Rayden shares my enthusiasim. Rayden would have riden the biggest ride there if they would have let him on!!! He was so excited to ride on the "Big" ferris wheel. He enjoyed every ride he got on!! Cody, Melissa, & Gage met us there, but Gage hadn't had a nap and was not having much fun!

Rayden was a little scared going up the rock wall, but he still ventured up!

Me & Rayden on the ferris wheel!

Chance & Rayden on the Dragon Roller Coaster!

Rayden loved the bumper boats

When the this ride was over Rayden looked at the lady and said

"Make it go back up!!"

Chance MADE me get on this stupid ride!!!

I don't know why I am laughing.....I wasn't having that much fun!!!

As you can tell, the ride is long over and Chance is putting my shoes back on me

but I am still safely buckled in!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

My Little Tubby!

Just a little note, I was at the Dr. this morning so I had them weigh Casen while he was there and he weighed a whopping 10 lbs 15 oz!!! Doing pretty good for only being 8 weeks old and having been born a month early!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My First Blog

Okay, since I think I was officially the only person in the world that hadn't jumped on the blog wagon, I decided today would be the day (thank you Shannon for the push!!!). Rayden just turned 3 on the 1st of this month, and Casen will be 8 weeks old tomarrow! Rayden is still really sweet on his little brother and doesn't like for him to be out of his sight. Rayden gets very upset if we leave Casen somewhere, like Grandma's, and Rayden has decided he would just rather stay home with Casen than have to leave him behind! It warms my heart so much to see Rayden love on his baby brother. I will take a stab at putting up some pics from yesterday and some from Rayden's birthday party we had at Main Event in Lubbock.

Casen is such a sweet baby!!

It doesn't get any sweeter than this!!!

Casen is starting to smile and laugh....just too adorable!

Rayden's wonderful bowling form!!!

Being cheered on by the crowd of onlookers!

Rayden's Bowling Ball Cake & Cupcakes

Acting shy while we sang Happy Birthday to him!

Brady very much enjoying a piece of pizza.....I'll have to find my pic

of him eating a cupcake!!!!!